I'm back! I have briefly regained interest in this hobby and have come back for a very special report on "I Know Who Killed Me." I have already ordered Polly to put it at the top of her Netflix queue, because it is so awesomely bad it must be watched immediately. I am not endorsing the pillaging of your local video store or Netflix holding cell, but you MUST watch this movie. I can't be the only one... I just can't.
Ok, so, you may or may not know that IKWKM is the record holder for most Razzies (think Oscars for the sucktasticlly awful) ever. A total of 8 Razzies have been given to this video diary of Lohan's breakdown. It earned every single one of them. Really, the Razzie people were not being unkind.
Here's the plotlette (maybe someday it will grow up and be a real story), and there will be spoilers, so if you want to be kept in suspense, you should probably look for something else to watch. Plotlette: Lindsey Lohan shows off her sweet sweet dance moves on a stripper pole, in a very red room. Oh no! There is blood on the pole, how did that happen (Ooooh, foreshadowing, pay attention Film 101 students)? Cut to "smart" LL wearing glasses because now she is at school being scholarly and chaste and shit. She won't even give it up for her boyfriend who brings her a blue rose. Oh yeah, now everything is blue. This comes up later. Time for your piano lessons blue LL! Oh, what's that? you don't want to be musical anymore? You want to write? Well, I want a pony, we don't all get what we want. Instead, you get to be kidnapped from the big game and have your limbs chopped off. Should have stuck with the piano.
Ooh, LL has been found in a ditch, and her limbs are missing. Shock! Horror! Even worse, she thinks her name is Dakota, and she strips because her crack head mommy didn't love her enough. Oh, and now she likes red, wears only red, and thinks red is just plain nifty. Oh yeah, and also she sleeps with Blue LL's bf, minutes after being let out of the hospital with bionic limbs. Post Surgery Slut. Dakota/ Red LL takes us on a journey of discovery, where eventually we find out that Blue LL's dad bought her from the crack head and passed her off as his own because his natural child died in the incubator, frowney face emoticon. What's more, Red LL and Blue LL are stigmatic twins (look it up) and Blue LL is still trapped with the blue meanie. The blue meanie was the piano teacher. Red saves Blue, and they live happily ever after, huddled together in a graveyard... for some reason. There, I gave away the ending.
If you want to feel simultaneously smart and stupid, watch this movie. I promise, it is 1 hour and 43 minutes.
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